Kdkaysays' Journals

It's the same old routine.

My heart is sinking to the bottom of the bay slowly. The lump in my throat beats and dry lips quiver. The disconnection to reality is the only thing that draws me to this memory I do not want to recall. Some days I'm alright but nights are always the same. I've been stuck in this stage for too long, months of in and out worries. Dreams can easily make you slip into oblivion. Give me 6 months and already you forget what's good about reality anymore. Dreams are much stronger than the real because every sound and every image is in your mind and feels within your reach. The domes of my mind have been doing nothing to my body though. I barely eat. I barely see the point of things period.

Everyone's actions aren't worth the hassle to me anymore. The battle and effort for dragging conversation out of people who just lack substance... the awkwardness of discussing visions with people who only use there time for athletics and alcohol. Yet I still feel lost. No one around me has passion in anything, so many indecisive crowds shit talking there lives away to make it more interesting. They'll label your whole entire life in a minute with a glance then they'll walk away and leave you alone to think and wonder about what's so wrong with yourself. Whose standards am I climbing to reach anymore?

I live in apathy right now or in complete disappointment. So many times I feel a rush of enlightenment and enthusiasm and the minute it all picks up I lose it when I realize the ones around me are still living in black and white, and I am alone on this trip...so tired of trying to make certain others come with me. I just want to sit and wait; maybe I'll appreciate something when it comes around on its own. I live by the shore anyways, it's cold outside today and the wind is like pens and needles to an opened throat. It's hard to breathe when the wind is being rushed into you. But the chill air is a refreshing difference and the sun is always a bonus. You call this a vacation? I call it captivity.

You get the whole family together right after a hospital visit to Grandma, they still find the nerve to complain about one another's company or lack there of. It's this recurring reality of chucking plates at one another and having shouting contests over a Thanksgiving dinner. Then they follow me around and try to label my distant behavior as the problem, yet complaining about my lack of nutrition is just there break from there actuality. It is quite reasonable to avoid stepping on broken glass in the kitchen and most of all avoiding any chances of them dumping there side of the argument on you while you try to swallow down mountains of calories and dead animal you'd rather not eat.

Yes, I am a recluse. I've got my charcoal, the new moon soundtrack and prettier thoughts in my head than the images of your face thank you. I'll be just fine. If I'm left alone with a cellphone and laptop, I'm connected. Just not to you the family. Just not to anyone around that wants to classify my pain instead of listening to me give my explanation on the actual issue that is at hand. That's what annoys me the most, people will always hear your sob story then they'll contemplate it and try to fit there little diagnosis for you like fucking Dr. Phil. They won't be there for you, they'll be worried. No one really knows how to handle it; they just fear you and your actions. They walk on egg shells. There's no sense of comfort or anything that makes you feel like it's going to stop when they talk. Talking about it just adds on to the misunderstanding mostly, and when you talk like that you know you really only have yourself to depend on.

Horoscope for June 19 - 24 birthdays.

The Cusp of Magic
June 19-24 Zodiac Position - Approx. 27° Gemini - 4° Cancer
Seasons - Late spring/Early summer
Elements - Air/Water
Rulers - Mercury/The Moon
Symbols - The Twins/The Crab
Modes - Thought/Feeling
Strengths - affectionate, seductive, objective
Weaknesses - isolated, selfish, demanding

The Gemini-Cancer cusp is an admixture of the third sign of the zodiac, Gemini, and the fourth sign of the zodiac, Cancer. This cusp can be symbolically likened to the period around twenty-one years of age in the human life, and it marks the beginning of summer in the northern hemisphere. The Gemini-Cancer cusp may be said to represent Magic. During this period of the year, many plants are coming into lush, full bloom. The day is longer and the night shorter than at any other point in the year. This is the time of traditionally magical "midsummer's eve," a warm, enchanted night, replete with bewitching smells and sounds, on which supernatural events take place. In human development, at the age of twenty-one, adolescence is over and adulthood is said to begin. Magic particularly plays a key role in terms of the magnetic power of love and the enchantment of romance. The young adult experiences an almost childlike wonder and awe at the beauty of the world and the horizons that have opened up. Those born during the magical cusp of the summer solstice quickly fall under the spell of enchantment. Romantic and inspirational, Gemini-Cancers often put their talents and energies in service of a higher purpose, be it family, religion, philosophy, arts, or political or social causes. Because they can wholeheartedly throw themselves into devotional activities, those born on this cusp often appear as mild, even self-effacing. For many if these individuals, anonymity is a goal in any career they follow. There are also more aggressive Gemini-Cancers, however, who become assertive as they mature and have few problems letting the world know who they are. Easily seduced, Gemini-Cancers can also enchant others, whether consciously or unconsciously; these seductive individuals may have a sweetly innocent charm. They must be wary of being imposed upon, but they usually have good defense instincts, and in the emotional sphere even mild Gemini-Cancers will gently lay down guidelines that should not be overstepped. The more aggressive Gemini-Cancers are often aware of their persuasive powers, which they may use without qualm to get their way, even when other individuals are hurt in the process. Although possessed of charm and magnetism, Gemini-Cancers can be remarkably cool customers. They have a useful objectivity, and their reasoning powers make an effective foil to their deep emotions. Influenced by both Gemini and Cancer, they are in face an interesting blend of logic and feeling. When those born on this cusp make an appeal to the emotions of others, they do so in a detached, thoughtful way. Not easily upset, they inspire confidence through their sympathy, concern and willingness to help. Summer-solstice people have a way of entering the hearts of those they love, and a reluctance to give up their position there, even when separations prove necessary. Gemini-Cancers tend to be private people who will not easily grant access to their inner world. They frequently do best when they are able to work at home, and they often set up their home as a kind of retreat or sanctuary. To be allowed to share the living space of a Gemini-Cancer implies great trust and respect. An invitation to visit this highly personal world is more often felt as a true gift, or the reflection of a desire to share, than as a sign of ostentation or of a need for sociability. Gemini-Cancers must beware of isolating themselves from the society around them and living in an unproductive dreamworld. Such detachment will hold them back in their personal and spiritual development, and toward the end of their lives they may view it as a sign of failure. Since staying in touch with reality is especially important for Gemini-Cancers, they may find friends and lovers who are more extroverted then they are, an essential link to the world. They should also beware of a kind of passive selfishness, in which it seems to others that they think the world revolves around them and that they constantly demand attention, if without saying so. Their special needs and wants as sensitive individuals can impose heavy demands on their friends and intimates, who may at the same time find themselves denying their own emotional and physical requirements. No area is more important to Gemini-Cancers than love. They see love as a primary reason to live, one that may get them through many a difficult period. Forced to choose between love on one hand and wealth or power on the other, those born in this week usually choose the former. Many Gemini-Cancers are quite able to love from afar; platonic love has a special meaning for them. Others see the possession of the love object as a necessary and blissful consummation, but they, too, are patient in the pursuit. Quiet persistence and a belief in their powers can guarantee them success. Gemini-Cancers have a tremendous capacity for love but are equally capable of withholding it. No matter how deeply in love they fall, they are masters of their emotions and can consequently be very dangerous people to be involved with. You must listen to them carefully, for although they can give their hearts fully, the fact that they are spending their time with you is no guarantee that they have done so. Gemini-Cancers are capable of a wide range of personal interaction, from acquaintances and friendships to full-blown passion. Each relationship will have its own structure, including what is and is not allowed in the area of physical contact. Sensitivity to such laws is definitely a prerequisite for the relationship's future. Gemini-Cancers can be nurturing parents, but many will think twice before they make the lifelong commitment of having children. This may be because, as children, they tend to enjoy the warmth of a close family; they can suffer terribly in conditions of marital strife or divorce. They have a tendency to idolize at least one of their parents, and to need to get along with their parents once they are grown. It is not surprising then, that once they decided they are truly in love (generally an important prerequisite to commitment for them), they can make faithful and devoted mates. Never take the romantic needs of one born on the Cusp of Magic for granted, however; candlelight dinners, vacations in glamorous locations, and the occasional spontaneous gift are all musts to keep the flame bright.

Jeez these things are accurate.

Feelings of a Monday morning under a magnifying glass

Sometimes I forget why I hold such resentment in my heart against this individual for my boredom. It seems that maybe I got myself into this situation, maybe my mind has slipped and instead of hearing someone tell me not to, I want there actions to motivate me! It's like being in school, having a crush on someone you like and having them flash you a smile out of no where. That unexpected surprise, the pleasant that isn't predictable. It is routine to expect nothing, sink low to no expectation that way you can be okay when things go exactly the way you knew they would. Waiting on a smile is the problem I know. I should be the one living and going with whatever comes. But what if in the mist of it, you forget the stuff that might have been great, the wonder and dreams were always everything to me. The possibility lifted me up and it was the reason to get out of bed.

Today you wake up to realize maybe expectations need to be sunken down lower. My effort is such a weak little flame, anything could blow it out. From past experience, I see the future from miles ahead and I'm just trying to get out of that neighborhood before I make the same mistake, relying is scary. Waking up and knowing that you don't have to check to see if someone replied or if you got a comment or two. When you expect nothing, you save wasting hours waiting as the time passes. Aim low, avoid disappointment; at least in this situation. I've always felt like a loner, I've always been one too. Why do I pick now to feel bad for myself for that? I gave myself purpose; I always did things when I didn't think I'd ever find someone to share it with. Why is it that once you've experienced the smile over and over, you obsess about the next time you'll see it again? If it's so great then why does not having it make a person go crazy? Once you find purpose in others company, and only find strength if you have company then how reliable does that make you?

I am a broken backbone, good at disguising wholeness when I'm strong enough to distract my mind from the pain I live in. Whether she will ever be repaired (ah what a dream that would be) I don't know but I am certain that she will never disappear. Bones are such curious objects, no matter how many pieces you shatter them in, how much dirt you throw on top of them, they still always manage to stay preserved, living beyond and just waiting to be found and discovered to finally be apart of existence once again...

flash me a smile and write me a comment.

lady.

Another Astrology Book.

Crabs born on this day (24) are ambitious and hard working, yet they rarely let the pursuit of worldly success take precedence over their relationships. Although family and friends come first with you, you have the capacity to make everyone feel comfortable. You are nurturing and hospitable, and your consideration for others immediately puts them at ease. You refuse to run roughshod over people's feelings just to get what you want. Your'e tactful, equitable mediator who prefers diplomacy to confrontation.

Those born on June 24 are cultured individuals with refined sensibilities. You revel in the comfort of a harmonious environment. Your innate creativity and appreciation for everything beautiful may lead to a career in art, interior design, fashion design, or architecture. With your inherent intelligence and artistic talent, you could garner success in any field associated with teaching, acting, writing, painting, sculpting, or music. In business, your keen understanding of human nature makes you a good manager of people. You are quick to figure out what the public wants and even quicker to understand what has to be done to give it to them.

In love, you're a romantic idealist. You'll hold off making a commitment until you are reasonably sure that your feelings are reciprocated. However, once the commitment is made, you expect the union to last forever

What do you say: This true?

Want yours? leave your birthday.

The Thorns.

Chapter 7.
Pg27-31 the little prince
"The thorns-what use are they?"
The little prince never let go of the question, once he had asked it. As for me, I was upset over that bolt. And I answered with the first thing that came into my head:
"The thorns are of no use at all. Flowers have thorns just for spite!"
"Oh!"
There was a moment of complete silence. Then the little prince flashed back at me, with a kind of resentfulness:
"I don't believe you! Flowers are weak creatures. They are naïve. They reassure themselves as best they can. They believe that their thorns are terrible weapons..."
I did not answer. At that instant I was saying to myself: "if this bolt still won't turn, I am going to knock it out with a hammer". Again the little prince disturbed my thoughts:
"And you actually believe that the flowers-"
"Oh no!" I cried. "No, no, no! I don't believe anything. I answered you with the first thing that came into my head. Don't you see- I am very busy with matters of consequence!"
He stared at me, thunderstruck.
"Matters of consequence!"
He looked at me there, with my hammer in my hand, my fingers black with engine-grease, bending down over an object which seemed to him extremely ugly...
"You talk just like the grown-ups!"
That made me a little ashamed. But he went on, relentlessly:
"You mix everything up together... You confuse everything..."
He was really very angry. He tossed his golden curls in the breeze.
"I know a planet where there is a certain red-faced gentleman. He has never smelled a flower. He has never looked at a star. He has never loved any one. He has never done anything in his life but add up figures. And all day he says over and over just like you: 'I am busy with matters of consequence!' And that makes him swell up with pride. But he is not a man- he is a mushroom!"
"A what?"
"A mushroom!"
The little prince was now white with rage.
"The flowers have been growing thorns for millions of years. For millions of years the sheep have been eating them just the same. And is it not a matter of consequence to try to understand why the flowers go to so much trouble to grow thorns which are never any use to them? Is the warfare between the sheep and the flowers not important? Is this not of more consequence than a fat red-faced gentleman's sums? And if I know- I, myself- one flower which is unique in the world, which grows nowhere but on my planet, but which one little sheep can destroy in a single bite some morning, without even noticing what he is doing- oh! You think that is not important!"
His face turned from white to red as he continued:
" If some one loves a flower, of which just one single blossom grows in all the millions and millions of stars, it is enough to make him happy just look at the stars. He can say to himself: 'somewhere, my flower is there...' But if the sheep eats the flower, in one moment all his stars will be darkened...and you think that is not important!"
He could not say anything more. His words were choked by sobbing. The night had fallen. I had let my tools drop from my hands. Of what moment was my hammer, my bolt, or thirst, or death? On one star, one planet, my planet, the Earth, there was a little prince to be comforted. I took him in my arms, and rocked him. I said to him:
"The flower that you love is not in danger. I will draw you a muzzle for your sheep. I will draw you a railing to put around your flower. I will-"
I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering. I did not know how I could reach him, where I could overtake him and go in hand in hand with him once more.
It is such a secret place, the land of tears.

The Flower

The little prince. I read 7-9 and the last two chapters everynight.

Chapter 9.
pgs 38-40
I believe that for his escape he took advantage of the migration of a flock of wild birds. On the morning of his departure he put his planet in perfect order. He carefully cleaned out his active volcanoes. He possessed two active volcanoes; and they were very convenient for heating his breakfast in the morning. He also had one volcano that was extinct. But, as he said, "one never knows!" so he cleaned out the extinct volcanoes burn slowly and steadily, without any eruptions. Volcanic eruptions are like fires in a chimney. On our earth we are obviously much too small to clean out our volcanoes. That is why they bring no end of trouble upon us. The little prince also pulled up. with a certain sense of dejection, the last little shoots of the baobabs. He believed that he would never want to return. But on this last morning all these familiar tasks seemed very precious to him. And he watered the flower for the last time, and prepared to place her under the shelter of her glass globe, he realized that he was very close to tears
"Goodbye," he said to the flower.
But she made no answer.
"Goodbye," he said again.
The flower coughed. But it was not because she had a cold.
"I have been silly" she said to him at last. "I ask your forgiveness, try to be happy..."
He was surprised by this absence of reproaches. He stood there all bewildered, the glass globe held arrested in mid air. He did not understand this quiet sweetness.
"Of course I love you" the flower said to him. "It is my fault that you have not known at all in a while. That is of no importance. But you- you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy... Let the glass globe be. I don't want it any more"
"But the wind-"
"My cold is not so bad as all that... The cold night air will do me good. I am a flower"
"But the animals-"
"Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. And if not the butterflies- and the caterpillars- who will call upon me? You will be far away... As for the large animals- I am not at all afraid of any of them. I have my claws."
And, naively, she showed her four thorns. Then she added:
"Don't linger like this. You have decided to go away. Now go!"
For she did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower....

I just keep saying to myself...

Some day, this will all make sense.

Where'd the time go?

I miss making forts. Out of pillows and blankets, surrounding myself in warm safety. It felt nice. I miss that carefree feeling of never having to look at the clock, of loving almost every minute that flew by. Then, when the day would end Iâ�™d be disappointed because I didnâ�™t need sleep, I was having too much fun being a kid. I got my knees dirty, I sat on the floor, and I didnâ�™t care. Not one minute was wasted. When I cried, the sadness was mild and temporary. I whined about missing the ice cream truck, about not being able to walk down the street without holding someone elseâ�™s hand. Sweet mild misery, I miss you.

I miss playgrounds; Iâ�™ll see you very soon.

Iâ�™m having one of those moments again. The kind where I think back and rewind. And I donâ�™t like it. I donâ�™t like it one bitâ�¦I have too many moments of replaying the past in my head, just to make the time speed ahead a lot faster. I take naps in the middle of day since I wake up in the middle of night with psychotic nightmares. Picture, the circus meeting the mental ward. Picture, the worst trip of your life meeting the fucked up reality of teenage angst. Nope, Iâ�™m not a kid anymore. Minutes never seem to fly by quick enough and I cry for every petty little thing that I donâ�™t have. I whine about no freedom, physical imperfection and my personal favorite, inferiority. Sharp cold miseryâ�¦

It makes you miss yesterday.

Broken silence is better than a broken record.

I am Katieâ�™s aching brain waves hoping to get any signals of happiness. Genuine happiness, not that cooked up shit created with denial and a bashful dash of fear. Fearing? An easily detectable problem on the horizon, the fear of that anxiety that I know Iâ�™d create to everyone else around me again yet I canâ�™t run from this fact: Iâ�™m sick. No it never left. I havenâ�™t had three normal sized meals in over a year actually. I only eat once if Iâ�™m going to eat at all anymore. Everyday I aim at eating nothing. Everyday I weigh myself twice. Everyday I check the mirror to stare back at this pale and empty useless reflection and I hate her, just as much as I did yesterday and the day before that. It hasnâ�™t changed but I can pretend that it has to please all of you selfish little bastards. I shouldnâ�™t have to fucking hold my breathe for this long to keep you guys as friends, next time I decide to admit something I wonâ�™t watch my mouth Iâ�™ll just say what ever the fuck my problem is and if it disturbs you then you can get the fuck out and let me be.

Honestly, I really love being the broken tragedy. Iâ�™m not even lying. I hate being happy unless itâ�™s true and genuine happiness and only certain people fulfill that happiness in me. I also feel like I have to be a certain weight to be loved by these people, if not then I just feel stupid loving them. Itâ�™s like watching a couple down the street holding hands, one of them is really hot and the other is a totally mess and you know everyone around you is thinking the same exact thing â�œHow did that happen?â� Everyday I feel like the totally mess with the beautiful thin sisters and the gorgeous best friends. Iâ�™m the one that doesnâ�™t belong, Iâ�™m the one your mind is wondering how the hell I got here. Iâ�™m Katieâ�™s aching malfunctioned brain thinking the exact same thing. Self worth, ohâ�¦ whatâ�™s that again?

-kdkay

Carelessness has a new name...

Everynight I discover new thoughts, create new ideas, and oh yeah I meet new egos. Some people have just ruined my old ones, it's quite a routine, where ever there's a brilliant idea created there's always someone else planning how to steal it. It's so sad, if you're gonna bother to copy you should at least know beforehand that you can handle and pull off doing it better than the original. But I am the only KD. Only creative totalwreck thats always hid behind an Audrey picture. The only one who assigns these names. Since I was young, it's just been that way. I'm head of the pack or I won't bother to show up at all. Especially when I'm clearly the most out spoken...I would never fake my feelings to save somebody else's, that just ends up doing more damage, causing more drama and not getting anything solved.

I'm not the kind of friend that's going to call a truce while scars are still burning. Let's get real, when have I ever. I expect my best friends to notice that. I think anyone that as ever been remotely close to me has told me that I'm the only one of my kind. I like it that way :) It just pisses me off when someone tries to get ahold of something great that I've come up with it and turn it into some mediocre internet game.

Audrey was more, it became my empowerment, dominance, and being for a while. Which I love on a different account. You see, it was MY game. Only can I banish it from the name Katie. But I wonâ�™t itâ�™s been apart of me for three years. An ego that I still like to take control has my empire grows and I continue to think nothing of buzznet anyways. With just a picture you can develop and drag along a friendship. But those pictures are burned along with the betrayal that came with it. I am what I am; yahweh. Katie is 100% ego anyway you look at it. I look down at people too much for my own good, I guess because I know people always sell themselves short and end up embarrassing themselves to fit in. If you dumb yourself down thatâ�™s one popular point, if you talk about how much you love cupcakes you get two scene points, if you showoff the only cool objects you actually own in photos then you get three superficial points, congratulations youâ�™re life is meaningless. You win the pointless competition of internet fame, which spoils faster than my milk. Why do you think Jac Vanek has to post photos with bands and other e sceners? to retrain her fame! Hanna spends her life practically on here posting journals everyday then checking up every hour to see how many comments she's got. I barely ever see Audrey or Linda on, it's funny because there the only ones that are actually original and successful. Poor Hanna hopeless copies Audrey with absolutely everything she does.

Oh yeah look what I've got...wah wah wahhh!

I call my response to this message pity not forgiveness. Oh yeah I also found a new ego for me, enter the new name for carelessness, katie kay. You see it isnt that I was born a "careless bitch" I cared the first time, second, third, fourth...yeah you get where I'm going with this. But it's time for me to be less of a bigger person to somebody who just takes advantage of my kindness and willingness to care. You've got to play immature with the immature. 20 points to the person has stopped giving a shit, kdkaysays...I WIN!! hahaha.